Godless Geek: On Cats

A friend delving into the blogosphere.



Godless Geek: On Cats: So I was always a dog person. Until I owned my first cat. Now we have seven. Fuck dogs. It's still a bit of a mystery as to why tho...

Jex, Brian, Debbie ........

Saturday morning I opened my FaceBook app and read some of my friend's news feeds. There was a post, an automated post about an event, rAge. It said that some of my friends would be attending it. One of the names on the list was Jex. 

For a moment I thought that he was released from hospital. I remembered him saying how he was intending to attend. Then I remembered I had not seen an update of him being released. 

No matter. He was getting better. How could he not be. He was young, strong. He had his family and friends around him, supporting him. 

Never mind. 

Pity he won't be at this year's rAge, but there are other events for him to attend later this month, later this year. 

And there is always next year for rAge. 

I smiled, and got ready to visit friends and family. 

It was later in the day, sitting around the pool, chatting, Braai'ing. 

I had just taken a few photos and was busy uploading them to FaceBook. 

I noticed a post by a friend and while my photos were uploading, kids laughing in the background I decided to do a quick read. What could it hurt?

It was 32c and what I read turned my blood ice cold. 

Jex had past away. 

I could not think. Could not believe what I read. I must have mis-read it. I started surfing FaceBook earnestly, searching, seeking. 

The poster was wrong. Other friends were carring on with their life. 

My photos eventually finished uploading and the sun was a warm comfort as I checked that everything had uploaded correctly. 

There was another post. 

And another. 

As I read, I realized, Jex had really died. 

I could not understand what I was reading. 

--------------

It is now Sunday evening. 

I am numb. 

I have spent most of the day trying to understand what has happened. 

It makes no sense to me. 

I have always been told that the young are stronger, 

Those who have friends and family that love them, 

The fighters will always pull through. 

How can such a vibrant strong man be taken so easily. 

I don't understand. 

It makes no sense. 

I am 44 years old. Not that old. 

Five years ago a friend, a co-worker had died in a motorbike accident. It happens. It is painfully, heart wrenchingly painful. But it happens. 

A couple of months later a friend past away. No, my best friend had died. 

Suddenly. 

In the emergency hospital room from asthma. 

I didn't understand. 

I still don't understand. 

How can healthy young people just die. 

As I grow older, as I loose friends, I am finding there is less and less of me left behind. 

And I don't understand. 

None of it makes any sense. 

I am going to miss Jex as I still miss all those that have left. 

Death is a natural part of existence. 

People grow old, have accidents, go to war. 

This I know. 

This I expect. 

This I understand.  

This is life. 

But when all the odds are stacked in our favor. 

Youth, 

family, 

good doctors, 

Modern science. 

When all that is still not enough. 

Each passing rips a piece of my soul apart. 

And I miss them. 

An unexpected departure.

Please forgive me if this rambles on or goes off in a weird direction but I need to try and wrap my mind around this. Maybe it's too soon? I don't know. 

When Robin Williams died, I was devastated. I loved watching his standup and I loved the parts he played. His death was unexpected and hit very close to home. It was the first time I realized that depression can be a fatal disease. 

Oh of course I have heard of depressed people taking their own lives but I never really thought about it. Robin was different. Maybe it was because he always seemed so happy on the outside. Maybe it was because his insights into the world were so deep, accurate and yet humorous that I thought that he had a handle on it. 

I think it was the shock of realizing that someone I thought understood ...... I thought he was better at seeing .... 

Words are hard to find here. 

I believed he saw life for the joke it was. I never expected.

Leonard Nimoy's passing was a different experience for me. He was old, he had lived a full life. Don't get me wrong, I was sad at the loss. But similar to Desmond Llewelyn, Nimoy had a chance to say farewell on screen. When the scene ended, in my heart he had moved on. 

The very recent passing of Terry Pratchett leaves me not knowing how I feel. We all knew it was coming. After his diagnosis of Alzheimer's, he often went on record stating his intention not to allow his family to suffer though the later stages of the decease. We knew that every book published after they could very well be his last. 

I think we all expected him to reach a point where he could not write anymore, where we would all walk those last few days by his side, supporting him and his family before he left us. 

I never expected this, suddenness. 

I always thought I would have more time to prepare. 

My online life

Those who have known me for the longest while online will know that every few years I may post an entry such as this wherein I explain my online policies, rules, feelings and generally what I do online. 

The first thing you-all should know is, I almost never post anything behind a security wall. The posts you see are all my posts I don't hide anything. 

I also never lie nor tell falsities, this is my real life. However this is not my whole life. Contrary to popular belief, I do not post everything happening in my life. I am selective about what I share and how I share it. 

I believe the point of posting on social media sites is to be, well, social. This means that when I post something, I am trying to be social. I am inviting discussion, I am inviting you to disagree with me, to argue your point with me.

I am not however inviting you to insult either myself nor anyone else. I do not like racism, sexism, homophobia or any type of speech that is hate-speech or prejudices members of a group. 

"Friending" online does not mean I want to be your friend. It only ever means that, for the moment, I enjoy what you are posting and I would like to read more. 

"Unfriending" online does not mean I don't want to be your friend, it only means I no longer enjoy what you are posting or your current style of posts. 

 I will never tell you what you may post or may not post. I will always fight for your right to post whatever the fuck you want to. If I don't like it, I will just walk away. In the same way, I expect you not to criticize what I post, if you don't like my posts, just walk away.  

Again, you may discuss what I post, we can argue about the subject, but I will not allow you to disagree with my right to post what I like in the style that I enjoy writing.

If you have something personal about me you feel I need to know, please take it to a private chat, or inbox me or something. Do not post vague comments in the hope I will "get it". 

I won't. 

I am far to often oblivious to social norms. 

Subtle hints fly right over my head. 

Just tell me straight. 

Oh yes, and never ever post about me behind my back. I will find out about it. People always talk or let slip or accidentally share or secretly like me better than you. 

Depending on how bad it is, I may just hate you or I may make you my mortal enemy. 

Just don't do it. 

One last thing. When I post about something vague but awfully specific in some of its details, be aware it is highly unlikely to be something that happened in the last few days. When something happens that I need to get off my chest via a post, I will make a note of it and some time in the future I will post about it. It's highly unlikely to  be that thing that happened just the other day. 

And one other very last thing. I am an adult. I have adult concerns, values and opinions. I do swear, I do discuss sexual, adult subjects. I do discuss religion and politics. I do enjoy visiting the darker side of my nature. I seldom post warning when I do. If you are not of age, or such subjects are not pleasant to you, as soon as you see a post heading in that direction, just stop reading. Don't come back to me and complain later, you have been warned. 

Breaking the silence.

About a year ago I was a full on geek and an avid gamer. I loved all the geek events and there was not a game I played that I did not enjoy. 

But it was not the games, it was not the fandoms, it was the people that I loved. 

It was being in the company of friends,  just hanging around, being together, sharing things that interested us. 

Sure we sometimes played games in dingy or uncomfortable places and yes we had to go to loud, overcrowded, people filled con events but it was okay, we were hanging out with friends. We put up with that for a few hours every now and again for the chance to be with friends. 

Then one of the guys decided to start a purely geek/gaming club. I was excited, ecstatic, over the moon. Finally a place where I could be with my friends that was not dingy, was not full of jocks. A place for us. A home for those of us who only had a house. 

But then something went wrong.  

I am not sure what it was. I don't know the details but friends turned on friends and unfortunately my friend who was starting the gaming club appeared to be at the center of it all. It became ugly. My entire Internet was just full of nastiness. I could not take it and I left the Internet. I defriended everyone and I closed down all my social accounts. 

A month later I stuck my head out to take a look around. Some of the nastiness had quietened down, a couple of my friends had moved on but not everyone. I left again. 

Another month later I returned a little to the Internet. Most of the Internet had returned to normal but not all of it. 

I sandboxed those that seemed to not be able to move on and returned slowly to the Internet. 

While this was going on, I still played some games, still visited some friends, still lived my life. 

But it was not the same. 

On a slightly different note. 

It was at about this time I was becoming more and more disillusioned with how the licensed holders of the various gaming systems conducted their style of business. They sunset their older gaming pieces and bring out new pieces in such a way that it forces you to continue buying to stay competitive. It was becoming more and more expensive just to keep playing the games. 

One of the other problems of serious gaming, well serious anything, if you want to be good, you have to put in the time. A lot of time. 

Time and money. 

This brings us to now. 

I am not finding pleasure in gaming anymore. It is bringing me very little joy. 

The time and money I am spending on games and geek things are not making me happy nor improving my world. There is no net gain.  

The time has come for a change. 

I still enjoy being with my fiends, especially when we are outside chilling, Braai'ing, hiking or doing non-competitive, non-continuous time consuming stuff. 

Unfortunately I can't live in my friend's pockets forcing everyone to do nothing but stare at their belly-buttons contemplating the universe. 

To cut short (way to late for that) a very long story. 

I love nature and I want to spend my free time in it as much as possible. 

Being an introvert, I like people but only for a short while in small burst before I collapse in on myself. 

I want to try something new and I think camping may be it. 

Like a Phoenix, can death bring new growth?

About five years ago my best friend died. 

About 4 years ago a good friend and coworker died. 

Death always has a profound affect on our lives. 

It changes us in ways we may suspect at the time but never fully realize until much later, if we are lucky. Sometimes we may never realize. 

My best friend had a philosophy, one that many people may think as either stupid or short sighted. She believed that the point of earning a salary, of having a job was to enable you to do those things you want to do. To enjoy life. Why save your money or time, you can't take it with you. 

And she was right, she could not take it with her. 

Sure, you may say you are saving for your children's education, or for a new house or whatever. And you are correct, for you those may very well be worthy goals. But she never had any children and she did not need to save for retirement as she did not live beyond 34. 

She believed in living in the moment, living every moment to its fullest. 

Which brings me to me, to myself. What am I doing with my life? 

What do I do on my weekend?

I play games. Computer games. Board games. Miniature games. 

I sit in my room and watch TV series. Read books. Surf the Internet. 

Do I enjoy doing these things?

Sure. 

If I were to die tomorrow and it were possible for me to look back on my life, would I regret the things I did and the things I did not do?

The answer is very simple, yes. 

Now I am not saying I want to save the world, heal humanity. 

What I am saying is that sitting at home, reading a book indoors, playing a computer game, surfing the Internet is not the last thing I want to have done. 

If I were to choose my last memory, my last activity, it would not be most of what I have been doing up until now. 

I would rather be sitting under a tree, reading a book, watching the sun set over a lake while quietly sipping a refreshing drink. 

The only question that remains is ... 

Would I be there because I am always there, camping next to the lake 

or because I had booked a rondawel at my favorite Kruger Park camp for a long weekend

or because had been working for six months and I was spending a little time at a time share. 

Camping?

Ever since my long weekend away in the Kruger Park a couple of months ago I have been slowly coming to the conclusion that I no longer want to spend my weekends at home or even near home (5km).

I think I want to take up camping.

Nothing big or special or expensive. Just simple camping an hour or so away from home each Friday or Saturday evening. 

Magaliesburg, Suikerbosrand, fountains valley. 
Places just around the corner.

Those of you belonging to the Geek Hiking Club will have an idea of the sort of spots I think I may be interested in.

Now I have never really been camping, not in a big way, so I am not sure if I am going to enjoy such a pastime but I know I am not enjoying what I am doing now and something has to change.

I thought that a clever idea would be to borrow a friends equipment to give it a try, see if I like it. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I would hate the experience when using a friends equipment. I would, feel restricted, worried etc.

So I am looking for simple, basic, cheap camping equipment to give this a try.

For the first month I could properly waste R1875 in a tent, bed, sleeping bag etc. so obviously I am not going for the fancy stuff. Then if I like it, I can upgrade as I go along and if I don't like it, I won't be out all that much. Either way, I will have a couple of basic camping things.

I already have chairs and table that would suit for a test camp. I also have a nice portable gas braai and picnic basket and all. In other words, I have about half the basics I would need for a test run.

So what do you think of this idea? 
Thoughts, suggestions?
Are you interested in trying it out or if you are a camper already, coming along to laugh at the newbie?